After a couple of weeks of feeling like I’d been through a really bad break-up and without the luxury of bending my friends’ ears constantly, I decided I had to do something positive to try and move on. I think if the last six months has taught me anything it is that I do want to meet someone special – maybe not to live with, but definitely to share things with. As I’m not going to have that with my BH, I’ve decided to get back in the internet dating game.
I’d filled out my details on one site a while ago, then when I realised how much it was going to cost me, didn’t go any further. Then I received a buy one-month-get-another-one-free email and decided to go for it.
This site was slightly different from the others I went on a few years ago, in that you get ‘matched’ with potential partners. This seemed to be a good thing – at least all the guys my age aren’t looking for 25-year-olds who want kids. So I sent a few ‘ice-breakers’ out and waited to see what happened.
A day or so later I got an email from Ian, a 54-year-old who lived about 20 miles away. He seemed quite nice – still had his own hair and obviously spent a bit of time at the gym. His email style was a bit weird though. He didn’t seem to be able to type in complete sentences and I wondered if that was how he spoke too. I know I do set incredibly high standards, but if I get emails with spelling mistakes or poor grammar I’m out of there.
Anyway Ian did put the ball in my court about arranging something, but I wasn’t sure. In the meantime I had connected with Graeme, 43. I began to get a bit picky with him too, but decided to take the bull by the horns and go for it. We arranged to meet for a drink at a pub I knew, halfway between the two of us.
I wasn’t quite sure what he was going to look like from his photo on the site, and I must admit, my heart did drop when he got out of his car and I saw he was a short, balding ginge. But I’m not that cruel to back out, so I went through with it.
All in all it wasn’t too bad, but I was home by 9.30pm, which kind of says it all! He was nice enough and did make me laugh a couple of times (always a good sign for me), but there really wasn’t a spark. Then when he started showing me photos of his unconnected Sky cable, I decided enough was enough. As we were leaving he took me by surprise and asked me if he could see me again. ‘Yes’, I replied, forgetting that I’m really not that desperate.
I’m glad I went, but do wonder if it maybe too soon for me. I came away thinking what a different evening it would have been had I been with my BH. And then that made me cry, again.
I think I may leave it a few weeks and try Ian again…
Thursday, 12 May 2011
Sunday, 1 May 2011
How the mighty fall
I’ve found writing this blog very therapeutic over the past six months so have decided I need to continue. I apologise if it goes slightly off the original subject, but sometimes a girl just needs to share.
After the demise of my affair with my ex, my relationship with my BH geared up a notch. We started meeting for long boozy lunches, turning each other on until we were exhausted with frustration and then carrying on in the same vein by email and text. I was happy though. I love getting that much attention from him, even if it is very misguided.
At lunch one day, he asked me to join him at a hotel for a night. He was going there on business, he said and it was too far for him to get home afterwards. It was a step in the right direction for me, but I did wonder whether he would get cold feet as he has in the past and not be able to go through with it.
How right I was. I mentioned the hotel a week later and he side-stepped the subject beautifully, so I left it. I didn’t want to appear desperate and I did think that if we did go through with it, he wouldn’t be able to cope with the guilt and it would all be over anyway.
Judgement day arrived and I was shocked to my core when I got a text from him at 10pm, asking me to come to the hotel ‘for a drink’. I didn’t need to be asked twice. I jumped in my car and drove like a lunatic to where he was staying.
It was a bit weird. We had a drink in the bar and then went up to his room. As soon as we got there, he started undressing, until he was down to his pants. There was no kissing, no seduction – it was almost businesslike. And then the deed was done. Very quickly. Nice as it was, no earth was moved. I could almost taste his guilt and he could barely look at me. I left soon afterwards, wondering if the hotel staff thought that I was some ageing hooker!
I then waited for the fallout. It didn’t take long. We exchanged a few texts and emails – some of them referring to that night, but not including much detail. Then at the end of the week we met for lunch, which was a disaster. He acted as if he barely knew me, had very little to say and seemingly couldn’t wait to get back to his office.
Things got slowly worse the following week. He seemed in the depths of depression, but when I asked him if it had anything to do with our hotel visit, he said no. He just had lots of issues, he said. He couldn’t share them, but they were making him very unhappy. It ended with him ending it. He couldn’t give me anything more than friendship, he said. It was too difficult.
Although we have been to this point many times over the years, I think now I’ve realised I have to stop it too, and that’s made it a lot harder. I’ve wasted enough time being in love with someone who isn’t going to love me back. It does feel like the end of a relationship, but one I can’t actually tell anyone about. A lot of tears have been shed, and I don’t think I’m done yet. Pass the tissues.
After the demise of my affair with my ex, my relationship with my BH geared up a notch. We started meeting for long boozy lunches, turning each other on until we were exhausted with frustration and then carrying on in the same vein by email and text. I was happy though. I love getting that much attention from him, even if it is very misguided.
At lunch one day, he asked me to join him at a hotel for a night. He was going there on business, he said and it was too far for him to get home afterwards. It was a step in the right direction for me, but I did wonder whether he would get cold feet as he has in the past and not be able to go through with it.
How right I was. I mentioned the hotel a week later and he side-stepped the subject beautifully, so I left it. I didn’t want to appear desperate and I did think that if we did go through with it, he wouldn’t be able to cope with the guilt and it would all be over anyway.
Judgement day arrived and I was shocked to my core when I got a text from him at 10pm, asking me to come to the hotel ‘for a drink’. I didn’t need to be asked twice. I jumped in my car and drove like a lunatic to where he was staying.
It was a bit weird. We had a drink in the bar and then went up to his room. As soon as we got there, he started undressing, until he was down to his pants. There was no kissing, no seduction – it was almost businesslike. And then the deed was done. Very quickly. Nice as it was, no earth was moved. I could almost taste his guilt and he could barely look at me. I left soon afterwards, wondering if the hotel staff thought that I was some ageing hooker!
I then waited for the fallout. It didn’t take long. We exchanged a few texts and emails – some of them referring to that night, but not including much detail. Then at the end of the week we met for lunch, which was a disaster. He acted as if he barely knew me, had very little to say and seemingly couldn’t wait to get back to his office.
Things got slowly worse the following week. He seemed in the depths of depression, but when I asked him if it had anything to do with our hotel visit, he said no. He just had lots of issues, he said. He couldn’t share them, but they were making him very unhappy. It ended with him ending it. He couldn’t give me anything more than friendship, he said. It was too difficult.
Although we have been to this point many times over the years, I think now I’ve realised I have to stop it too, and that’s made it a lot harder. I’ve wasted enough time being in love with someone who isn’t going to love me back. It does feel like the end of a relationship, but one I can’t actually tell anyone about. A lot of tears have been shed, and I don’t think I’m done yet. Pass the tissues.
Friday, 25 March 2011
Call it a day
When I decided to call this blog, Getting Back Together, Or Not, I have to admit there was a part of me that really wanted it to end positively.
As I’ve said before, I’m a complete sucker for romantic, happy endings. I’d even gone down the line of imagining telling the kids and our friends and family that we were getting back together. I’d thought about the house we would move into together – even renewing our wedding vows.
It’s taken me a few weeks to finally accept that this isn’t going to happen. After my ex finished with his girlfriend things changed, and not in the way I expected. I was waiting for us to start going out on ‘dates’ more, spending more time as a family, and, the best bit, having more amazing sex.
None of this happened. In fact it went in reverse. The texts, calls and emails dried up and he even had trouble getting it up in bed.
We did talk about it and I think we hit a stalemate. He said he wants me to make more of a commitment and doesn’t think I’m at the end of my ‘sexual journey’. It had suddenly become very serious.
He thought we’d never resolve any of our issues with a chat down the pub or a movie night. I think he was hinting at couples’ therapy, but I don’t want the emotional and financial outlay for something I’m not sure I want enough.
If I’m perfectly honest, he’s probably right. I know there are many things I still feel unsure about where he is concerned and there’s lots of things I don’t want to give up – particularly my independence. I think that says it all.
I’m not completely shutting the door, but for the time being I think we’re back to being co-parents to our three beautiful children. I’m glad that part of our relationship hasn’t suffered and very relieved that we never told them what was going on.
As for me? Well, I’m back on the saddle. I got back in touch with my FB on Saturday and rode all night!
As I’ve said before, I’m a complete sucker for romantic, happy endings. I’d even gone down the line of imagining telling the kids and our friends and family that we were getting back together. I’d thought about the house we would move into together – even renewing our wedding vows.
It’s taken me a few weeks to finally accept that this isn’t going to happen. After my ex finished with his girlfriend things changed, and not in the way I expected. I was waiting for us to start going out on ‘dates’ more, spending more time as a family, and, the best bit, having more amazing sex.
None of this happened. In fact it went in reverse. The texts, calls and emails dried up and he even had trouble getting it up in bed.
We did talk about it and I think we hit a stalemate. He said he wants me to make more of a commitment and doesn’t think I’m at the end of my ‘sexual journey’. It had suddenly become very serious.
He thought we’d never resolve any of our issues with a chat down the pub or a movie night. I think he was hinting at couples’ therapy, but I don’t want the emotional and financial outlay for something I’m not sure I want enough.
If I’m perfectly honest, he’s probably right. I know there are many things I still feel unsure about where he is concerned and there’s lots of things I don’t want to give up – particularly my independence. I think that says it all.
I’m not completely shutting the door, but for the time being I think we’re back to being co-parents to our three beautiful children. I’m glad that part of our relationship hasn’t suffered and very relieved that we never told them what was going on.
As for me? Well, I’m back on the saddle. I got back in touch with my FB on Saturday and rode all night!
Sunday, 6 February 2011
The pace of a snail
Well nothing much has happened in ‘this space’ over the past week or so. I think I’ve become a little paranoid about the state of things between me and the ex. He’s become really distant – no phone calls or texts – and he doesn’t even come downstairs to say hello when I pick the kids up.
I have asked him about it and he always seems to have an excuse – he’s tired/busy and apologises if he’s hurt me.
We had a bit of a disagreement the other day about when he should give our eldest daughter her birthday presents. I was just thinking about when would be the best time for her. He thought I was being controlling – something he had real issues about when we were together. It was sorted, but left me feeling more uneasy.
We’d arranged a surprise Birthday Party for her. It was at his place due to space, which meant he had the most work to do. It went well, apart from it coinciding with my first night back on the wine after a month of abstinence and it wasn’t pretty.
We didn’t manage to get together for any private time either and he wasn’t very happy about that. I am beginning to feel a bit pressured about that but I’m not going to do anything I don’t want to do.
We were going to go out for a drink last night, something I was really looking forward to. It didn’t happen. He had a headache and was late cooking dinner for the kids. I didn’t say anything at the time. Maybe I should start. My best friend thinks I should write him a letter. Maybe I should just get him to read this.
My FB has been in contact again. In fact, he sent me a message this morning saying ‘I’ll be there at 3pm’. I bloody hope he won’t because my son is here having some Mummy time. That would be interesting!
I’m not sure how I feel about that one. I’m tempted to agree to see him. It might help me focus on what I want or don’t want. I just don’t have the same needs as I used to!
So things aren’t moving forward at all. I know I said from the start that I didn’t want to rush things, but this snail’s pace is doing my head in and if things don’t change soon I may walk away from the whole thing.
I have asked him about it and he always seems to have an excuse – he’s tired/busy and apologises if he’s hurt me.
We had a bit of a disagreement the other day about when he should give our eldest daughter her birthday presents. I was just thinking about when would be the best time for her. He thought I was being controlling – something he had real issues about when we were together. It was sorted, but left me feeling more uneasy.
We’d arranged a surprise Birthday Party for her. It was at his place due to space, which meant he had the most work to do. It went well, apart from it coinciding with my first night back on the wine after a month of abstinence and it wasn’t pretty.
We didn’t manage to get together for any private time either and he wasn’t very happy about that. I am beginning to feel a bit pressured about that but I’m not going to do anything I don’t want to do.
We were going to go out for a drink last night, something I was really looking forward to. It didn’t happen. He had a headache and was late cooking dinner for the kids. I didn’t say anything at the time. Maybe I should start. My best friend thinks I should write him a letter. Maybe I should just get him to read this.
My FB has been in contact again. In fact, he sent me a message this morning saying ‘I’ll be there at 3pm’. I bloody hope he won’t because my son is here having some Mummy time. That would be interesting!
I’m not sure how I feel about that one. I’m tempted to agree to see him. It might help me focus on what I want or don’t want. I just don’t have the same needs as I used to!
So things aren’t moving forward at all. I know I said from the start that I didn’t want to rush things, but this snail’s pace is doing my head in and if things don’t change soon I may walk away from the whole thing.
Sunday, 23 January 2011
In a fog
Well it’s happened. The ex and his gf are no longer. It was a mutual decision by all accounts, although I do think he broached it.
When he rang to tell me I felt relieved and uneasy in equal measure. Although I haven’t been entirely happy with the situation, at least she was a known quantity. I felt happy with her lack of involvement with the ex and especially the kids. She never wanted to be a mum to them and never once hinted that she wanted to move in. Now the future is even more foggy.
This news came after the ex and I had spent most of the previous weekend together. The kids had had their biannual dance show, which meant lots of guilt-free time for us to spend together. We went to the movies on the Saturday, followed by some bedroom fun. Then the following evening we had to fill a couple of hours in a God-awful place called Aldershot, while waiting to watch the show.
The place was full of bingo halls and amusement arcades with the one decent coffee shop closing as we arrived. It was so depressing we were tempted to drive home and claim to have seen the show. We decided against that idea, just in case some dance disaster occurred and we were caught out.
In the end we sat in the car, outside a police station, eating sweets. Very rock and roll!
We did have a laugh though, so much so, that the kids didn’t know what to make of their giggling parents in the car on the way home. We were never like that when we were married.
Anyway I’ve kept it clear in my head that nothing needs to change and him now being single should make things a bit more straightforward. No more sneaking around and acting weirdly in front of the kids. Or so I though…
My ex popped over yesterday for a bit of Morning Glory, which was, as usual, glorious. But I’m now left me feeling slightly uneasy and confused by his remarks as he was getting dressed. ‘No more girlfriend to worry about now,’ he said. ‘I’m free and single.’
Then he started encouraging me to see other men if I want to.
Does this mean he is about to embark on a shagathon of his own? Watch this space…
When he rang to tell me I felt relieved and uneasy in equal measure. Although I haven’t been entirely happy with the situation, at least she was a known quantity. I felt happy with her lack of involvement with the ex and especially the kids. She never wanted to be a mum to them and never once hinted that she wanted to move in. Now the future is even more foggy.
This news came after the ex and I had spent most of the previous weekend together. The kids had had their biannual dance show, which meant lots of guilt-free time for us to spend together. We went to the movies on the Saturday, followed by some bedroom fun. Then the following evening we had to fill a couple of hours in a God-awful place called Aldershot, while waiting to watch the show.
The place was full of bingo halls and amusement arcades with the one decent coffee shop closing as we arrived. It was so depressing we were tempted to drive home and claim to have seen the show. We decided against that idea, just in case some dance disaster occurred and we were caught out.
In the end we sat in the car, outside a police station, eating sweets. Very rock and roll!
We did have a laugh though, so much so, that the kids didn’t know what to make of their giggling parents in the car on the way home. We were never like that when we were married.
Anyway I’ve kept it clear in my head that nothing needs to change and him now being single should make things a bit more straightforward. No more sneaking around and acting weirdly in front of the kids. Or so I though…
My ex popped over yesterday for a bit of Morning Glory, which was, as usual, glorious. But I’m now left me feeling slightly uneasy and confused by his remarks as he was getting dressed. ‘No more girlfriend to worry about now,’ he said. ‘I’m free and single.’
Then he started encouraging me to see other men if I want to.
Does this mean he is about to embark on a shagathon of his own? Watch this space…
Thursday, 6 January 2011
What a turkey
It's been ages since my last blog and I've had to read my old post to get me up to speed. Apologies. Well, the promised curry never happened. I text my ex on the way home from work and he'd said he'd already eaten and did I have any other ideas for what we could do instead. I took that to mean, 'I'm horny and just fancy a fuck.' Well I wasn't so I went home and cooked myself dinner.
We did get together for a bit of bed action just before Christmas, which was good and is still doing it for me. Maybe because it's more on my terms, when I really want it. A bit selfish
I know, but I have come to the conclusion that I'm just not cut out for committed relationships. I love the time I have to myself and I think many of my married friends slightly envy me.
Christmas didn't start well. The kids were with him Christmas Eve and they were having the traditional gammon and mash for dinner. I waited all day for an invite and at 6pm finally accepted it wasn't going to come. That hurt.
Anyway, moving on, the Big Day was a success. Kids loved their presents, the turkey was good and plenty of fizz was consumed - just as it should be.
New Year was a bit of a damp squib though. No-one seemed to be up for much, so I stayed in with the kids, playing Mario Tennis on the Wii and again drinking plenty of fizz. I was slightly perturbed when I was listened to Frank Skinner's radio show and he said that if your New Year's celebrations are dull, then the rest of your year will follow suit. I do hope not.
We did get together for a bit of bed action just before Christmas, which was good and is still doing it for me. Maybe because it's more on my terms, when I really want it. A bit selfish
I know, but I have come to the conclusion that I'm just not cut out for committed relationships. I love the time I have to myself and I think many of my married friends slightly envy me.
Christmas didn't start well. The kids were with him Christmas Eve and they were having the traditional gammon and mash for dinner. I waited all day for an invite and at 6pm finally accepted it wasn't going to come. That hurt.
Anyway, moving on, the Big Day was a success. Kids loved their presents, the turkey was good and plenty of fizz was consumed - just as it should be.
New Year was a bit of a damp squib though. No-one seemed to be up for much, so I stayed in with the kids, playing Mario Tennis on the Wii and again drinking plenty of fizz. I was slightly perturbed when I was listened to Frank Skinner's radio show and he said that if your New Year's celebrations are dull, then the rest of your year will follow suit. I do hope not.
Friday, 10 December 2010
Festive Fear
I always have trouble with this time of the year. I'm sure it's got something to do with the romantic to me. Even after all these years I still buy into the perfect image of Christmas Day and of course mine never meets my ridiculous expectations.
I do actually feel better about things this year though. I'm not really sure why that is - maybe it's the situation with my ex. He's actually blowing his gf out on her 50th Birthday, which falls on Christmas Eve, so he can be with me and the kids. I think it's more to do with the kids than me, mind.
Work's a bit weird too. Not much to do and loads of social occasions, which always seems an excuse for me to send my BH dodgy texts and emails after drinking too much. I always get a bit panicky about when I'm going to get to see him before Christmas. Mad I know and I'm trying to stay calm.
My backing off tactics aren't working too well either this week either. I blame the time of the month. I always go a bit mad and miserable and demand too much from him. Then I hate myself and the whole cycle starts again. If anyone has any tips on how to get off this mad rollercoaster, can they let me know.
I'm meant to be going out with the ex for a curry tonight. He's had nasty dental work today, so we'll see if he's up to it. I know he's going to up for sex. He's gagging for it. In some mad mix-up, he thought I had the day off today and called me when I was almost in the office, asking me where I was. He'd turned up at my house expecting me to be waiting for him in bed. Bad one!
Anyway, we'll see what happens tonight.
I do actually feel better about things this year though. I'm not really sure why that is - maybe it's the situation with my ex. He's actually blowing his gf out on her 50th Birthday, which falls on Christmas Eve, so he can be with me and the kids. I think it's more to do with the kids than me, mind.
Work's a bit weird too. Not much to do and loads of social occasions, which always seems an excuse for me to send my BH dodgy texts and emails after drinking too much. I always get a bit panicky about when I'm going to get to see him before Christmas. Mad I know and I'm trying to stay calm.
My backing off tactics aren't working too well either this week either. I blame the time of the month. I always go a bit mad and miserable and demand too much from him. Then I hate myself and the whole cycle starts again. If anyone has any tips on how to get off this mad rollercoaster, can they let me know.
I'm meant to be going out with the ex for a curry tonight. He's had nasty dental work today, so we'll see if he's up to it. I know he's going to up for sex. He's gagging for it. In some mad mix-up, he thought I had the day off today and called me when I was almost in the office, asking me where I was. He'd turned up at my house expecting me to be waiting for him in bed. Bad one!
Anyway, we'll see what happens tonight.
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