Second time around

I’m having an affair with my husband. There, I’ve said it out loud for the first time.

It started with a hug. A simple innocent hug. Until my not-quite-ex husband pulled me on to his lap and whispered, ‘I miss you,’ in my ear. I didn’t pull away, but neither did I say ‘I miss you too’.

We’ve been separated for four years after I cheated on him and he caught me. Not quite in the act, but enough to force a confession.

The split was as amicable as it could be after the hurt I’d caused. We sold our marital home, bought two separate ones and sorted out an agreement for the living arrangement of our three young children.

Over the past four years, my not-quite-ex has had two relationships, one quite brief and the other still on-going. I haven’t had any worth speaking of. I’ve been hurt a few times by men who promised and then failed to deliver and so I’ve opted for shameless fucks instead. It’s safer and I’ve convinced myself that was all I’m looking for.

Until now…

The Hug led to texts, long phone calls and a night out at the pub. He picked me up, dropped me back at the end of the evening and then came in to pick something for one of the kids. A goodbye kiss turned into a full-on snog. It was lovely. I’d forgotten how well he kisses.

I turfed him out before it turned into anything more – for him more than me. I could easily of dragged him upstairs, but I thought meaningless sex wasn’t the right thing to do – for once.

We lasted a week. He texted me and asked me to come over. I knew where we would end up – in his bed. And that’s exactly where I was an hour later. It was weird and lovely in equal measure and I had to hold back the tears at one point. They took me by surprise.

Like most, when we were first together, we’d been at it day and night. But 15 years and three kids later it had become mundane and infrequent. I actually thought my libido had died, until a hot 29-year-old gym instructor made it very clear he found me sexy – even after a spin class!

This rest is history, as they say, but I can safely say I never imagined I’d end up back in his bed.

Now I feel excited and scared and completely unsure of what to do next.