Mixed emotions

After I thought his relationship was fizzling out, it seems to be back on and I’m not happy about it. He’d cancelled several dates with her over the past few weeks, even a weekend away, but she seems to be back on the scene. I’m not sure I should even ask him now as I often don’t like the answer.

I had a kids-free weekend recently and was enjoying a long, lazy Sunday afternoon – the newspapers, endless cups of tea and the TV all to myself. I was on the phone to my middle daughter and she let slip that the girlfriend had been round that day. About 10 minutes later I get a text from the ex. ‘Are you alone?’ it said.

Obviously I was, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. I found it unnerving and upsetting that, on his way back from taking her to the station, he wanted to come and fuck me.

The following evening, I was sent him a ‘what are you up to?’ text. He replied that he was on a train to London to spend the night with her. To say I was rocked was an understatement.

Bolstered by the two large glasses of wine I’d sunk, I fired back several fairly evil texts, one that said:
‘Are you still fucking her?’

He didn’t grace that little gem with an answer, luckily.

The following morning I gave myself a good talking to and sorted it out in my head.

I can’t quite believe I’m going to say this, but I do think I’m jealous. This has been a problem of mine since I was a small child. I’ve done what I can to keep it in check, but sometimes the Green Eyed Monster unleashes itself and I have to fight to squash it down.

I’ve never asked him to finish with her, and I wouldn’t want him to for me. It would put me under too much pressure to make a decision I’m not quite ready to make. I promised myself when this started that I wasn’t going to rush into anything and I can’t expect my ex to welcome me back with open arms either – especially after I hurt him so badly.

It’s me I’m worrying about getting hurt now. Having not been involved with anyone properly for the past five years (apart from my Bad Habit and that’s bad enough) I am scared and every now and then I retreat.

We’re planning to go out for a drink this weekend and I’m not sure whether I should tell him exactly how I feel or just play it cool. What do you reckon?