Time to move on

I’ve been having a bit of a clear out this week. Not my kitchen cupboards or anything practical, but my heart.  Sounds very dramatic, but it needed to be done. Since my ex and I split up four years ago, I’ve been having an on/off ‘thing’ with someone. It started off as pure flirtation for both of us and then escalated into something much deeper and much more dangerous.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a victim or anything, I was up for it as much as he was and positively encouraged it. But in my defence, he came after me initially – taking me to lunch, showering me with compliments, sending me sexy emails. 

But it’s complicated – when isn’t it with me? I never seem interested in anything simple and easily obtainable. Teachers, college lecturers, bosses and married men (psychologists would have field day). Well, this one fell into the last category: an unhappily married man who isn’t brave enough to do anything about it. It was fun when it was just about sex, but then my emotions reared their ugly head and I got caught in a cycle of trying to get rid of him (mentally, not physically) or just accepting that I had fallen for him hook, line and sinker. I never let him know which part of this cycle I was in, which led to him being very confused. He was either hit by angry, surly mails and texts or apologetic, friendly ones.

Anyway, for the last six months all has been quiet on the adultery front. He says it makes him feel like a schizophrenic and emotionally he can’t cope with cheating. I’ve tried to accept this, but it’s hard. I miss him and the excitement of it all. The crunch came last week when I tried to get him back by sexting him, but he gave me the hand-off and it made me feel disgusting.

So, this week, after a flurry of hate-filled texts, I have tried ignoring him. Gone are my cheery morning emails and end-of-the-day texts. It has been utterly miserable, but I think if I am to get my head straight about my ex and what I feel about him, I have to rid myself of my married man.

I think it may take some time…