Temptations

I’m not having a great week. My state of confusion seems to have got worse and now seems to apply to many more areas of my life than just the issue of my ex.

Firstly there’s my Bad Habit (BH), who I can’t seem to rid myself of. Everything is now very above board and we are just ‘friends’, which is great from where he is sitting, but I’m still having issues dealing with it. The problem is that I care a lot more for him than he does me and he is very much part of my life, imaginary or otherwise.

I’m reading Freedom by Jonathan Franzen, a book that he’s also read and there is a passage in it which sums up the way I feel perfectly.

‘I’ve spent three years wanting a thing I knew would never make me happy. But that didn’t stop me wanting it. You were like a bad drug I couldn’t stop craving.’

Everyday I try and change my behaviour and get absolutely nowhere. I’m getting very frustrating with myself.

So, from today I am making a new start. I’m not going to contact him. If he contacts me I’ll reply and be friendly, but nothing else. Let’s see what happens.

I’m also at a bit of a stalemate with the ex. The regular Saturday morning sex sessions continue and are very enjoyable to be honest, but I don’t really know where we are going elsewhere. I think he’s waiting for me to commit to a future with him before he ends his relationship. But I’m not going to do that. I don’t want the responsibility of him ending a three-year relationship when I still don’t really know what I want.

We still haven’t had much time on our own to really talk things through. The drink I suggested never materialised and I still get the feeling he’s testing me, to see how much effort I’m prepared to make. One of the things I hated about our relationship before was its competitive edge, so I’m really not going to rise to that challenge.

And then this morning I start to get filthy text messages from the young Australian guy who I was my FB up until I began sleeping with the ex again. He is sounding very tempting right now…