Mixed emotions

After I thought his relationship was fizzling out, it seems to be back on and I’m not happy about it. He’d cancelled several dates with her over the past few weeks, even a weekend away, but she seems to be back on the scene. I’m not sure I should even ask him now as I often don’t like the answer.

I had a kids-free weekend recently and was enjoying a long, lazy Sunday afternoon – the newspapers, endless cups of tea and the TV all to myself. I was on the phone to my middle daughter and she let slip that the girlfriend had been round that day. About 10 minutes later I get a text from the ex. ‘Are you alone?’ it said.

Obviously I was, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. I found it unnerving and upsetting that, on his way back from taking her to the station, he wanted to come and fuck me.

The following evening, I was sent him a ‘what are you up to?’ text. He replied that he was on a train to London to spend the night with her. To say I was rocked was an understatement.

Bolstered by the two large glasses of wine I’d sunk, I fired back several fairly evil texts, one that said:
‘Are you still fucking her?’

He didn’t grace that little gem with an answer, luckily.

The following morning I gave myself a good talking to and sorted it out in my head.

I can’t quite believe I’m going to say this, but I do think I’m jealous. This has been a problem of mine since I was a small child. I’ve done what I can to keep it in check, but sometimes the Green Eyed Monster unleashes itself and I have to fight to squash it down.

I’ve never asked him to finish with her, and I wouldn’t want him to for me. It would put me under too much pressure to make a decision I’m not quite ready to make. I promised myself when this started that I wasn’t going to rush into anything and I can’t expect my ex to welcome me back with open arms either – especially after I hurt him so badly.

It’s me I’m worrying about getting hurt now. Having not been involved with anyone properly for the past five years (apart from my Bad Habit and that’s bad enough) I am scared and every now and then I retreat.

We’re planning to go out for a drink this weekend and I’m not sure whether I should tell him exactly how I feel or just play it cool. What do you reckon?

Back to the bedroom

Well, we didn't last very long and sex is definitely back on the table. Unfortunately I'm a bit snowed at work to dish the dirt, but watch this space and I'll be back. In the meantime, check this interesting website out...http://www.emandlo.com/2010/10/wise-guys-how-often-do-men-think-of-someone-else-during-sex/

No sex please, we're married

Things have move on a bit recently. After a disappointing sex session a few days ago had left me with a bad taste in my mouth (pardon the pun) I decided to call time on that part of our reunion. Although it was exciting, creeping round to each other’s house while the children were still asleep, it felt like that was all our relationship was about, and to be honest, we were always quite well connected in bed.

So we needed to find other ways to rediscover each other and spend time together without getting naked. Easier said than done with three children who don’t know what’s going on, but are very savvy at the same time.

Then we hit upon an idea. He and the kids had been invited to some old mutual friends for the weekend. I had met up with them again a few weeks before, so the idea of us going en famille wasn’t entirely unreasonable. Our friends and the kids bought into the idea without too many questions, so off we went.

We arrived, separately, at about 5pm and had a very chilled evening. Our friends live in a massive, dreamy house in Oxfordshire, (not my kind of dream house, but then that sounds bitter) and are wonderful hosts. All was going well until my ex and I started having a bit too much fun playing air hockey in the kitchen. Our 16-year-old daughter chose this moment to have a freak out about her parents’ relationship.

You would have thought most children of separated parents would rejoice in the prospect of their mum and dad getting back together. Not our girl. She feels ‘deceived’ that me and her dad have been talking and not involving her (I just hope she’s not thinking about what else we’ve been up to!), she’s worried about how things will change and about losing her place as our ‘significant other’. All issues that both me and my ex did see coming with her. I tried talking to her, not very successfully after several glasses of wine, and let my ex take over.

So now we’re back in limbo. My daughter and I haven’t talked about ‘it’ since we’ve been back and I’m not sure when we will. It makes it all a bit too real for all of us. And I feel like her eyes are on me whenever I’m in the same room a my ex. It’s all a bit unsettling to be honest…

Time to move on

I’ve been having a bit of a clear out this week. Not my kitchen cupboards or anything practical, but my heart.  Sounds very dramatic, but it needed to be done. Since my ex and I split up four years ago, I’ve been having an on/off ‘thing’ with someone. It started off as pure flirtation for both of us and then escalated into something much deeper and much more dangerous.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a victim or anything, I was up for it as much as he was and positively encouraged it. But in my defence, he came after me initially – taking me to lunch, showering me with compliments, sending me sexy emails. 

But it’s complicated – when isn’t it with me? I never seem interested in anything simple and easily obtainable. Teachers, college lecturers, bosses and married men (psychologists would have field day). Well, this one fell into the last category: an unhappily married man who isn’t brave enough to do anything about it. It was fun when it was just about sex, but then my emotions reared their ugly head and I got caught in a cycle of trying to get rid of him (mentally, not physically) or just accepting that I had fallen for him hook, line and sinker. I never let him know which part of this cycle I was in, which led to him being very confused. He was either hit by angry, surly mails and texts or apologetic, friendly ones.

Anyway, for the last six months all has been quiet on the adultery front. He says it makes him feel like a schizophrenic and emotionally he can’t cope with cheating. I’ve tried to accept this, but it’s hard. I miss him and the excitement of it all. The crunch came last week when I tried to get him back by sexting him, but he gave me the hand-off and it made me feel disgusting.

So, this week, after a flurry of hate-filled texts, I have tried ignoring him. Gone are my cheery morning emails and end-of-the-day texts. It has been utterly miserable, but I think if I am to get my head straight about my ex and what I feel about him, I have to rid myself of my married man.

I think it may take some time…