Festive Fear

I always have trouble with this time of the year. I'm sure it's got something to do with the romantic to me. Even after all these years I still buy into the perfect image of Christmas Day and of course mine never meets my ridiculous expectations.

I do actually feel better about things this year though. I'm not really sure why that is - maybe it's the situation with my ex. He's actually blowing his gf out on her 50th Birthday, which falls on Christmas Eve, so he can be with me and the kids. I think it's more to do with the kids than me, mind.

Work's a bit weird too. Not much to do and loads of social occasions, which always seems an excuse for me to send my BH dodgy texts and emails after drinking too much. I always get a bit panicky about when I'm going to get to see him before Christmas. Mad I know and I'm trying to stay calm.

My backing off tactics aren't working too well either this week either. I blame the time of the month. I always go a bit mad and miserable and demand too much from him. Then I hate myself and the whole cycle starts again. If anyone has any tips on how to get off this mad rollercoaster, can they let me know.

I'm meant to be going out with the ex for a curry tonight. He's had nasty dental work today, so we'll see if he's up to it. I know he's going to up for sex. He's gagging for it. In some mad mix-up, he thought I had the day off today and called me when I was almost in the office, asking me where I was. He'd turned up at my house expecting me to be waiting for him in bed. Bad one!

Anyway, we'll see what happens tonight.

The State of Things

A woman in my office got engaged today and it put me in a bad mood all day! It wasn’t the fact that she’s about to step into an archaic institution of which I’ve entered twice, only to bolt for the door, it was the level of hysteria amongst the other women in the team, who were acting as if getting a man to marry us was our primary reason for existing.

Have I got this wrong or should professional women in 2010 still act as though still being single in their 30s is something they should be ashamed of? What happened to equality and being independent?

I know my two failed attempts are the reason for feeling so indifferent about it and I know a lot of cool, very together friends who are very happily married, but it still bothers me that it’s us women who make such a fuss about it. I wonder if the guy who proposed to my work colleague even told anyone what he did, let alone went down the pub to celebrate.

It does seem that marriage is as popular as ever, considering the interest in the planned nuptials of William and Kate next year. A friend of mine has been trying to convince me that the whole country is indifferent, but I disagree and an opinion poll in The Independent today proved that – despite the spin they tried to put on it – with over 60% of people expressing some interest.

I know I won’t be glued to the TV like I was back in 1981 when his mum and dad tied the knot. Ahh the innocence of youth.

Anyway, I have come across this interesting blog from across the pond. Enjoy

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/dating-blog/benefits-of-early-late-marriage

Has Marriage Become a "Waiting Game?"

Has Marriage Become a "Waiting Game?"

Life of a nun (kind of...)

Life of a nun (kind of…)

Well I managed to resist all temptation, which is very good for me, but I do feel a bit like a bomb that’s about to go off at any time. I’m not good at being so restrained for so long.

I really needed to talk to my ex before we headed back to bed, but he seemed to be putting it off and then sexting me, which I found very confusing. I think he eventually got the message and we ended up having a conversation in the car, on our way Christmas shopping and then again on the way home.

I’m not sure we’re any further forward though. I know my feelings for him are getting stronger, hence the jealous reaction to whenever he visits his GF, but I still don’t want him to finish with her for me either. We need to get to get know each other again and to be sure it’s what we both want.

The Christmas shopping day was good. We had a laugh and a good natter about this and that. Then we had a family trip out to the cinema, which again was very nice. Not that we had any time together, with my eldest sitting between us like some sort of gatekeeper. Since she found out about her dad and me she’s fiercely protective of him and starts acting the age she was when we split up. Weird.

Things are all good on the Bad Habit front. My backing off tactics seem to be working, when he called me after just one day of me not contacting him.

We had lunch the other day and had a lovely time. Very relaxed and funny, with no flirting. The only problem that I look forward to seeing him so much I’m left with a aching hole when it’s over. I want more and then begin to make a fool of myself, mailing and texting him, until I rein myself in again.

Reading this back, it seems I have made a little progress. True I’m still confused, but I do feel as though I’m in more control.

Not ready for the nunnery just yet then.

Temptations

I’m not having a great week. My state of confusion seems to have got worse and now seems to apply to many more areas of my life than just the issue of my ex.

Firstly there’s my Bad Habit (BH), who I can’t seem to rid myself of. Everything is now very above board and we are just ‘friends’, which is great from where he is sitting, but I’m still having issues dealing with it. The problem is that I care a lot more for him than he does me and he is very much part of my life, imaginary or otherwise.

I’m reading Freedom by Jonathan Franzen, a book that he’s also read and there is a passage in it which sums up the way I feel perfectly.

‘I’ve spent three years wanting a thing I knew would never make me happy. But that didn’t stop me wanting it. You were like a bad drug I couldn’t stop craving.’

Everyday I try and change my behaviour and get absolutely nowhere. I’m getting very frustrating with myself.

So, from today I am making a new start. I’m not going to contact him. If he contacts me I’ll reply and be friendly, but nothing else. Let’s see what happens.

I’m also at a bit of a stalemate with the ex. The regular Saturday morning sex sessions continue and are very enjoyable to be honest, but I don’t really know where we are going elsewhere. I think he’s waiting for me to commit to a future with him before he ends his relationship. But I’m not going to do that. I don’t want the responsibility of him ending a three-year relationship when I still don’t really know what I want.

We still haven’t had much time on our own to really talk things through. The drink I suggested never materialised and I still get the feeling he’s testing me, to see how much effort I’m prepared to make. One of the things I hated about our relationship before was its competitive edge, so I’m really not going to rise to that challenge.

And then this morning I start to get filthy text messages from the young Australian guy who I was my FB up until I began sleeping with the ex again. He is sounding very tempting right now…

Mixed emotions

After I thought his relationship was fizzling out, it seems to be back on and I’m not happy about it. He’d cancelled several dates with her over the past few weeks, even a weekend away, but she seems to be back on the scene. I’m not sure I should even ask him now as I often don’t like the answer.

I had a kids-free weekend recently and was enjoying a long, lazy Sunday afternoon – the newspapers, endless cups of tea and the TV all to myself. I was on the phone to my middle daughter and she let slip that the girlfriend had been round that day. About 10 minutes later I get a text from the ex. ‘Are you alone?’ it said.

Obviously I was, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. I found it unnerving and upsetting that, on his way back from taking her to the station, he wanted to come and fuck me.

The following evening, I was sent him a ‘what are you up to?’ text. He replied that he was on a train to London to spend the night with her. To say I was rocked was an understatement.

Bolstered by the two large glasses of wine I’d sunk, I fired back several fairly evil texts, one that said:
‘Are you still fucking her?’

He didn’t grace that little gem with an answer, luckily.

The following morning I gave myself a good talking to and sorted it out in my head.

I can’t quite believe I’m going to say this, but I do think I’m jealous. This has been a problem of mine since I was a small child. I’ve done what I can to keep it in check, but sometimes the Green Eyed Monster unleashes itself and I have to fight to squash it down.

I’ve never asked him to finish with her, and I wouldn’t want him to for me. It would put me under too much pressure to make a decision I’m not quite ready to make. I promised myself when this started that I wasn’t going to rush into anything and I can’t expect my ex to welcome me back with open arms either – especially after I hurt him so badly.

It’s me I’m worrying about getting hurt now. Having not been involved with anyone properly for the past five years (apart from my Bad Habit and that’s bad enough) I am scared and every now and then I retreat.

We’re planning to go out for a drink this weekend and I’m not sure whether I should tell him exactly how I feel or just play it cool. What do you reckon?

Back to the bedroom

Well, we didn't last very long and sex is definitely back on the table. Unfortunately I'm a bit snowed at work to dish the dirt, but watch this space and I'll be back. In the meantime, check this interesting website out...http://www.emandlo.com/2010/10/wise-guys-how-often-do-men-think-of-someone-else-during-sex/

No sex please, we're married

Things have move on a bit recently. After a disappointing sex session a few days ago had left me with a bad taste in my mouth (pardon the pun) I decided to call time on that part of our reunion. Although it was exciting, creeping round to each other’s house while the children were still asleep, it felt like that was all our relationship was about, and to be honest, we were always quite well connected in bed.

So we needed to find other ways to rediscover each other and spend time together without getting naked. Easier said than done with three children who don’t know what’s going on, but are very savvy at the same time.

Then we hit upon an idea. He and the kids had been invited to some old mutual friends for the weekend. I had met up with them again a few weeks before, so the idea of us going en famille wasn’t entirely unreasonable. Our friends and the kids bought into the idea without too many questions, so off we went.

We arrived, separately, at about 5pm and had a very chilled evening. Our friends live in a massive, dreamy house in Oxfordshire, (not my kind of dream house, but then that sounds bitter) and are wonderful hosts. All was going well until my ex and I started having a bit too much fun playing air hockey in the kitchen. Our 16-year-old daughter chose this moment to have a freak out about her parents’ relationship.

You would have thought most children of separated parents would rejoice in the prospect of their mum and dad getting back together. Not our girl. She feels ‘deceived’ that me and her dad have been talking and not involving her (I just hope she’s not thinking about what else we’ve been up to!), she’s worried about how things will change and about losing her place as our ‘significant other’. All issues that both me and my ex did see coming with her. I tried talking to her, not very successfully after several glasses of wine, and let my ex take over.

So now we’re back in limbo. My daughter and I haven’t talked about ‘it’ since we’ve been back and I’m not sure when we will. It makes it all a bit too real for all of us. And I feel like her eyes are on me whenever I’m in the same room a my ex. It’s all a bit unsettling to be honest…

Time to move on

I’ve been having a bit of a clear out this week. Not my kitchen cupboards or anything practical, but my heart.  Sounds very dramatic, but it needed to be done. Since my ex and I split up four years ago, I’ve been having an on/off ‘thing’ with someone. It started off as pure flirtation for both of us and then escalated into something much deeper and much more dangerous.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a victim or anything, I was up for it as much as he was and positively encouraged it. But in my defence, he came after me initially – taking me to lunch, showering me with compliments, sending me sexy emails. 

But it’s complicated – when isn’t it with me? I never seem interested in anything simple and easily obtainable. Teachers, college lecturers, bosses and married men (psychologists would have field day). Well, this one fell into the last category: an unhappily married man who isn’t brave enough to do anything about it. It was fun when it was just about sex, but then my emotions reared their ugly head and I got caught in a cycle of trying to get rid of him (mentally, not physically) or just accepting that I had fallen for him hook, line and sinker. I never let him know which part of this cycle I was in, which led to him being very confused. He was either hit by angry, surly mails and texts or apologetic, friendly ones.

Anyway, for the last six months all has been quiet on the adultery front. He says it makes him feel like a schizophrenic and emotionally he can’t cope with cheating. I’ve tried to accept this, but it’s hard. I miss him and the excitement of it all. The crunch came last week when I tried to get him back by sexting him, but he gave me the hand-off and it made me feel disgusting.

So, this week, after a flurry of hate-filled texts, I have tried ignoring him. Gone are my cheery morning emails and end-of-the-day texts. It has been utterly miserable, but I think if I am to get my head straight about my ex and what I feel about him, I have to rid myself of my married man.

I think it may take some time…

Anniversary angst

It was my 19^th wedding anniversary last week. Given the current situation I’m not sure whether that called for a celebration or not. I think not. It was quite a day. My daughter got her GCSE results, which was a big deal for the whole family. Luckily she did well and we decided to celebrate with a family meal out, so me and the ex did end up spending the evening together.

I’m beginning to over-think the whole ex and me thing – something I promised myself I wouldn’t do. It’s complicated but most of all confusing. The sex is great but intense, a feeling I’d distanced myself from for the last five years. And he’s up for it all the time, at every opportunity – which is great but I don’t want us falling back to our old ways. Him gagging for it, and me holding him at arm’s length. I don’t have the excuses I used to have – feeling too tired due to the kids, not feeling sexy etc etc.

Anyway, we had a big ‘talk’ the day after the anniversary. We’d planned to go to the pub, but as it was pouring with rain, I suggested he came round with a bottle of wine. We talked about boring, fairly mundane things to start with and then got down to the nitty gritty. It has helped. He seems as confused and frightened as I am, but I think he’s more in control. He’s still seeing his girlfriend and that’s getting weirder for me as this goes on. I maintain that I don’t want him to finish with her for me, but he seems to be weighing up his options.

What if he chooses her. How would I feel then?

Second time around

I’m having an affair with my husband. There, I’ve said it out loud for the first time.

It started with a hug. A simple innocent hug. Until my not-quite-ex husband pulled me on to his lap and whispered, ‘I miss you,’ in my ear. I didn’t pull away, but neither did I say ‘I miss you too’.

We’ve been separated for four years after I cheated on him and he caught me. Not quite in the act, but enough to force a confession.

The split was as amicable as it could be after the hurt I’d caused. We sold our marital home, bought two separate ones and sorted out an agreement for the living arrangement of our three young children.

Over the past four years, my not-quite-ex has had two relationships, one quite brief and the other still on-going. I haven’t had any worth speaking of. I’ve been hurt a few times by men who promised and then failed to deliver and so I’ve opted for shameless fucks instead. It’s safer and I’ve convinced myself that was all I’m looking for.

Until now…

The Hug led to texts, long phone calls and a night out at the pub. He picked me up, dropped me back at the end of the evening and then came in to pick something for one of the kids. A goodbye kiss turned into a full-on snog. It was lovely. I’d forgotten how well he kisses.

I turfed him out before it turned into anything more – for him more than me. I could easily of dragged him upstairs, but I thought meaningless sex wasn’t the right thing to do – for once.

We lasted a week. He texted me and asked me to come over. I knew where we would end up – in his bed. And that’s exactly where I was an hour later. It was weird and lovely in equal measure and I had to hold back the tears at one point. They took me by surprise.

Like most, when we were first together, we’d been at it day and night. But 15 years and three kids later it had become mundane and infrequent. I actually thought my libido had died, until a hot 29-year-old gym instructor made it very clear he found me sexy – even after a spin class!

This rest is history, as they say, but I can safely say I never imagined I’d end up back in his bed.

Now I feel excited and scared and completely unsure of what to do next.